blondenarcissa @ 2004-06-26 11:56:00

None to blame or forgive
I did not know. I did not know but I do now and am not sure what to think or feel.

I had sent Draco off to spend time with Miss Bulstrode earlier today. After all, besides his father, Draco lost one of his closest friends this week and I thought it best if he get away from me for a while so he did not have to constantly be reminded of his father. He has Miss Parksinson to mourn for as well and it is my wish that he spends time doing so -- if not for himself, for the memory of Pansy and what she truly meant to him.

I must confess that I also needed a bit of time to be on my own. The past few days, as one can imagine, have been anything but easy. Taking a walk about a corridor or two to clear my thoughts was ever so an appealing notion. Draco and Lucius have been the most prominent people in my thoughts, but I have also been mulling over the owls that Edward, Lucius' father, posted me concerning what had happened and what I plan to do. I honestly do not know. I wasn't prepared for this...not as prepared as I ought to have been. But one never thinks that their life partner will be taken from them, do they? At least, one never seriously dwells on that notion. It wouldn't be healthy to do so. I hadn't considered the fact that Lucius might be taken from me for at least three years and I do not recall when the previous time was before that.

I've had a few barristers owl me already about arrangements. I expect that, since Draco is now the man of the Manor, I will have to consult with Draco about his father's funeral arrangements. I don't think I shall be able to organise them without him.

These unpleasantries were consuming my thoughts whilst I made my way quietly through the corridors. However, I found rather quickly on my travels that my attention would soon be directed elsewhere.

Sirius, who was apparently on the way to the kitchens to fetch food for himself and Harry (neither of whom I had seen since arriving at Hogwarts the other evening), rounded a corner at the same time I was and we nearly had a bit of a spill. Fortunately, we straightened ourselves out. Unfortunately, things became very awkward very quickly and I hadn't any idea what to say so I asked him how he felt. To me, he looked quite dreadful, but I've not been sleeping very much due to worrying over Draco and various other things and therefore I am certainly (for once) not the best judge of appearancces at the moment. He didn't really answer my question, not directly.

Remus is dead.

That is how he responded to my question.

I did not know.

I had just taken tea with him on Tuesday, given him two small gifts, traded confidences and small talk, and not even twenty-four hours later he had died. He has been dead since Wednesday and today is the first I have heard of it.

The shock must have been plain on my face as Sirius asked me if I should like to know how Remus died. He couldn't-or wouldn't-look me in the eye. A few times I tried to catch his eyes but it was of no use. It was of no use and, really, even if I had been able to catch his eye it was extremely likely that I would have looked right through him anyway. Ignoring the pounding in my chest, I nodded when Sirius questioned if he could be completely honest with me regarding the matter of Remus' death.

And now I know.

Now I know and I do not know what to think or feel...or if the things I that I might think I am feeling about Lucius' and Remus' deaths are appropriate.

My Lucius has been taken from me by the man who was both my friend and cousin. My close friend was taken from me by the man whose name I took and with whom I have the most perfect child.

Checkmate, indeed.

The board shall soon be cleared.

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