lupercus @ 2003-11-16 08:53 pm UTC

I'm not sure how long I'll be, Sirius. But I would like to speak with you. There's a few thing you ought to know before I go.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 09:07 pm UTC

All right. I am going to be up tonight--would you rather come here? Me there?

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 09:10 pm UTC

You should come here if you can. I've got some things I want you to take.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 09:22 pm UTC

What things? Hagrid's taking your creatures, right? I won't have to stock up on live animals to feed anything?

Should I bring anything to haul things back? Is there anything that can't be shrunk?

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 09:26 pm UTC

It's just a box, Sirius. I have some things I've saved and I want you to hold on to them for me. They're important and I don't want them to be lost or misplaced.

You'll probably recognise it anyway, it used to be James's.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 09:34 pm UTC

Wait, what? You're giving me James's things?

Remus, please reconsider this. You're not thinking this through properly. You won't be doing anyone any favors by leaving right now. Not even yourself.

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 09:38 pm UTC

Don't argue with me, Sirius. Please? I have thought about it, and I would have taken it on anyway. I told you, there's no one else suited for this position. I'd rather it be me than someone who wouldn't know what they're getting into.

I know I sound maudlin but i just want to be certain everything is taken care of before I go. I'll be back, I told you. I promise.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 09:47 pm UTC

Right, I'll shut up now. I'll be over in a few minutes.

I can't believe you sometimes.

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 09:48 pm UTC

What's that supposed to mean?

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 09:50 pm UTC

Nothing.

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 09:59 pm UTC

No, that meant something, and I'd like to know what.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 10:18 pm UTC

Don't use your war icon on me.

What I meant was that unless your state of mind improves drastically in the next week, you are going off to do something which will require all your skill and concentration, and I don't think you're capable of giving that right now. You're upset and emotional, and therefore more likely to make mistakes, and put yourself and the mission into danger, okay?

But you're going to go anyway, no matter what I say. So I'll be down in ten minutes and get the box from you and not say another word about it.

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 10:46 pm UTC

Don't tell me what to do. You gave up that right when you gave it up to Lucius Malfoy.

Contrary to what you might think, I am capable of separating my personal life from my work against Voldemort. I know what to take with me and what to leave behind and I guarantee that anything that isn't directly related to my duties will stay here at Hogwarts. I am not stupid, and I will not sacrifice myself or this mission due to my own silly problems. It's called 'having priorities,' and I know what mine are.

You're not my keeper anymore, Padfoot. You used to be, and I am grateful for that, but not now. There's too much Azkaban still in you, and not enough Sirius. I miss him, and I'm not alone. All things considered I think it's rich that you'd expect me to take you seriously again, when every single time that I have you've proven me utterly wrong. I'm not doing it anymore. I am never going to be someone's doormat again.

If you really want to talk to someone tonight I suggest you try Gryffindor Tower. There's someone there who needs to hear from you more than I do. If you want to convince anyone of anything, you ought to start with him.

I'll leave the box in your office tomorrow. I'm locking my doors now, and going to bed.

jadedsirius @ 2003-11-16 11:03 pm UTC

Three things.

First. I am not trying to tell you what to do. You've made it quite clear that I lost that right months ago. I am only trying to say that when you accept a dangerous mission on the heels of an enormous disappointment, I have to question your judgment. As your friend, and nothing else. And I know you'll do your best to do your duty, but I have to wonder whether you're not just running away. I'm sorry. But there it is.

Second. Do you think I haven't tried? I can't tie him up and force him to listen, damn it. We arrange to meet and he doesn't show. I try to talk to him and I get no response. I am willing to talk, any time, any place, and I've made that clear. He's got to be the one to break the stalemate, because I can't.

Third. No matter what else is in me, and no matter what else has changed me, I am always Sirius, and only Sirius. I am sorry for you that I can't be the boy I was twenty years ago, if only because it's really unrealistic of you to expect me to be.

Goodnight, Remus.

lupercus @ 2003-11-16 11:24 pm UTC

On second thought, I'm not going to bed just yet.

You may be right. I could be running away. But if I am it's my business. It should say a lot that I would rather go and do this than be in this castle right now. I have had enough, Sirius. I'm done. I'm done. You can only be hurt so many times, Sirius, before you decide not to sit around and let it happen again. I'd rather go and be useful to someone than just be a moving target - and right now, I think my chances are better against bloody Voldemort than if I were to stick around here.

And can you blame Harry at all? It's never once got through your thick head how much you hurt him, no matter how many times I've explained and shouted and pleaded with you to fucking figure it out. Do you think he wants to risk that again? Chances are he does, but I'd wager that he doesn't know how. Maybe you do have to force the issue. Maybe it's because you haven't done that he doesn't see any use in trying. You want him back, Sirius? FIGHT for him. Don't try and be his friend - be his godfather.

I admit I was disappointed that you're not exactly the boy I fell in love with anymore, that I didn't get all of you back when I found you again, but I refuse to believe that there isn't more of him left in you than you think. You're more than what you've become, I know this and Harry knows this. And it's not unrealistic for me to expect you to be able to find that part of you, because I know I have. I've felt it, I fell in love with it, I married it, and if I could find it again I would grab hold of it and never let go. Do you think I like this? Do you think I like feeling this way about you?Because I don't, you idiot. I will never not be a little bit in love with you and it fucking hacks me off that you'd rather be this person you think you have to be instead of who you really are. You may very well be Sirius and only Sirius, but it's high time you started acting like him.

But it's all moot now anyway, isn't it? Because I'm still a coward, and you're still an ass, and that is bloody fucking that.

Night.