lupercus @ 2002-05-21 19:26:00

Current mood:

gloomy

Today has been an drain, so forgive me if I start to sound rather maudlin.

I've been seriously thinking about life before and after Hogwarts. Perhaps this isn't such a good idea, to keep this close uniformity. I know we're not shuttled up together in person, but to have our thoughts presented out in the open to others who might sneer upon them gives me a slight sense of claustrophobia. I'm anxious - I don't know what to write sometimes. I don't want to come across as being shallow or inhuman (and I mean this in the emotional sense, thank you, Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Snape), but its difficult to keep myself at an even keel when I know that people are reading this.

I didn't think coming back to Hogwarts would bother me as much as it does. I didn't realise that seeing the same faces and going through the same monotonous routines day after day would have such an effect on me. It has made me rathed brooding and sulky, and that bothers me. I am a grown man, I have learnt to deal with my emotions - perhaps moreso than some - given my unfortunate monthly circumstances. I shouldn't be bothered by insults and stares and whispers, and yet I am. My saving grace is the few friends I've managed to keep. It's the ones I haven't, however, that continue to vex me.

I don't know why I don't get on with Severus. By logic I believe that I ought to - that stupid prank Sirius pulled on him in our school days had little to do with me. I was at as much risk as he was, and I haven't completely forgiven Sirius for it yet. Severus and I have much in common, more than either of us would care to admit I think, and yet we can't find a civil word in our heads to say to each other. By rights, we should be much friendlier than we are.

Perhaps I am merely melancholy in the face of the many memories that this castle holds for me. I spent my best years here, with the best people one could ask for, and the absence of that - and them - is probably what's making me gloomy.

Or, perhaps I'm just lonely.

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