ritaskeeter in nocturne_alley @ 2003-02-22 17:07:00

NARCISSA MALFOY - THIS SEASON'S FAUX PAS
by Rita Skeeter


Recently this reporter had the privilege of gaining an on-hand look at the latest in Narcissa Malfoy's escapades: a lesson in etiquette and beauty to the pure-blooded witches at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Among the list of invitees were Slytherin Pansy Parkinson, Parvati and Padma Patil, and surprise turn-up Hufflepuff, Susan Bones. Lucius Malfoy remained conspicuously absent, though it is rumoured that he spent the weekend in Romania.

At hand were Hogwarts professors Hilda Vector, the resident Arithmancy professor, and Sibyll Trelawney, the only Seer at Hogwarts. In the past, many have questioned Dumbledore's decision to hire the elderly professor, but it has been proven that some follow her word to a T.

"Professor Trelawney, you're so clever," cooed the impressed Parvati Patil when Trelawney read the tea leaves of all women in attendance.

"Quite," said Vector dryly, after having been informed that one of the students in Hogwarts' facility would meet their unearthly demise this term. The name of the pupil has yet to be disclosed.

What started out as an innocent lesson took a sinister turn in the drawing-room of Malfoy Manor, where Mrs Malfoy told the girls of the hardships of raising "a fourteen-year-old boy [sic]". It took merely a trip to the local computer to discover that Draco Malfoy, heir to Malfoy Manor and son of Lucius and Narcissa, recently turned seventeen years old.

"I do hope this finds you in better conditions than I left you," the young Malfoy wrote in a letter to his mother recently, perhaps revealing the stormy weather under the glamorous facade that is Narcissa Malfoy. "I look forward to seeing you at the end of term."

But does he really? Does Narcissa Malfoy know her own son?

All signs point to no, and this reporter doesn't need her tea leaves read to see that.

After proving her lack of love for her son, Mrs Malfoy took the girls to be made over, and it soon became obvious just why Narcissa Malfoy is the woman of Malfoy Manor. In the past, many have speculated that Mrs Malfoy was a mere pawn in Lucius Malfoy's game, but Rita Skeeter has found exclusive evidence that this is certainly not the case.

"You know, you should really try some Illusion Charms," said Mrs Malfoy to the shaken Lisa Turpin (a Ravenclaw student at Hogwarts). "Having all of those extra curves won't do at all, dear."

And from here, it only got worse. Mrs Malfoy asked Padma Patil just how much more she weighed than her twin, and informed her sister, Parvati, that she was just slightly less attractive than the former twin. Orla Quirke was given a sharp rap on the knuckles for failing to hold her tea cup properly. Even Slytherin Millicent Bulstrode received a blow when Mrs Malfoy hinted that the girl had just one eyebrow. The truth hurts, and that is why this reporter has made it a point to avoid it.

The only two who seemed immune to Mrs Malfoy's reign of horror were the lovely Pansy Parkinson (see previous articles on Parkinson's Banishment to Beauxbatons) and the weary-looking Susan Bones. The latter is the daughter of Clyde Bones, who has been missing for several years and is suspected dead.

It has yet to be determined how many martinis Mrs Malfoy enjoyed that day, but judging by the tear-stained faces of Hogwarts' freshest witches, this reporter is putting her bet in at five.

Comments:

potterstinks @ 2003-02-22 03:28 pm UTC

You stole a photo from My Mother? You insignificant piece of filth. You don't even work for the Prophet anymore. You're nothing but a has-been, and if you have to resort to stealing baby photos from Malfoy Manor to have something to do with your pathetic non-entity lifestyle, then I do hope you come to Hogwarts the next time you feel like transfiguring yourself into your illegal Animagus state. You might find that I'm of the persuasion that isn't opposed to killing insects.

ritaskeeter @ 2003-02-22 03:42 pm UTC
<b>DRACO MALFOY ENRAGED OVER FAMILY SECRETS EXPOSED</B>

"I do hope you come to Hogwarts the next time you feel like transfiguring yourself into your illegal Animagus state," threatens Draco Malfoy. "You might find that I'm of the persuasion that isn't opposed to killing insects."

Why, Mr Malfoy, I had no idea that you and the meddlesome Ms Granger were so close that she would let you in on the details of her kidnapping schemes. Tell me, did Ms Granger also inform you that I have recently registered my Animagus abilities with the Ministry?

- Rita Skeeter

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2003-02-22 03:34 pm UTC

AND YOU COPIED AND PASTED DIRECTLY FROM MY JOURNAL ENTRY. God, you'd think if you were really going to expose scandals, you would have at least bothered to steal owl mail. As though I'd really divulge anything of importance on here.

purestblood @ 2003-02-22 11:06 pm UTC

Draco. Drop it right now. I am taking steps to undo the damage. Not another word, or you'll answer to me in person.

Your Father

(parent)
sinistra @ 2003-02-22 03:48 pm UTC

Five? You underestimate, Rita, but then, you always have.

An amusing article, even if it is you.


finch_fletchley @ 2003-02-22 04:10 pm UTC

Take that stuff out about Susan's dad! What did she ever do to you? Her dad's not dead, he's just missing, and it's none of your business anyway!

ritaskeeter @ 2003-02-22 04:16 pm UTC
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY DISPLAYS HUFFLEPUFF LOYALTY

"Take that stuff out about Susan's dad!" growled Justin Finch-Fletchley in response to a most recent article. "What did she ever do to you? Her dad's not dead, he's just missing, and it's none of your business anyway!"

The public has a right to know the truth, Mr Finch-Fletchley, and the truth of missing wizards is perfectly my business. Denial is never healthy.

- Rita Skeeter

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2003-02-22 09:49 pm UTC

"You will pay," threatens M. B.

M. B.

ritaskeeter @ 2003-02-22 09:55 pm UTC
MILLICENT BULSTRODE UNHAPPY WITH CHILD PHOTOS

"You will pay," threatens the surly Millicent Bulstrode. Clearly Ms Bulstrode is still in a bit of pain after having her eyebrow separated.

Welcome to the world of the press, young lady.

- Rita Skeeter

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2003-02-22 09:55 pm UTC
Re: MILLICENT BULSTRODE UNHAPPY WITH CHILD PHOTOS

I am not surly.

M. B.

(parent)
purestblood @ 2003-02-22 11:12 pm UTC

Rita,

It is so good to see you back on the job. It's been such a long time. I'd love to see you again and catch up. Are you free for lunch next week?

Lucius Malfoy

ritaskeeter @ 2003-02-23 01:02 am UTC

I do believe that my schedule is moderately free next week, Lucius. Is Tuesday convenient for you?

- Rita Skeeter

(parent)
purestblood @ 2003-02-23 11:02 am UTC
Re:

Luckily, I am free Tuesday. Shall I call for you at noon?

Lucius

(parent)