| pennyclearwater @ 2004-04-17 22:19:00 |
| Current mood: | Hollow. |
| Current music: | None. |
Full-stops.
I've been staring at this box for an hour now. I feel like I ought to say something, anything, nothing. I don't know if I want to say anything at all.
There aren't words to be spoken about this. It would be easy to say the obvious ones-- that I feel like my heart is broken. They won't do any good, though, and nothing will. Is it worth it to say these things, things that everyone already knows? I wish that I had something miraculous to say. I want to take Molly home and tuck her into bed, but at the same time I'm terrified of her. It's horrible. I don't have the right things to say to her; no hug or touch could possibly serve any comfort now. I haven't met her eyes since I've seen her. This, I think, is my greatest failure.
Percy and I went to Diagon Alley earlier this week. We didn't think of stopping to see the twins. I haven't spoken to Fred in the past two days, either, though I can't think that he wants to talk. The idea of doing it feels invasive. I spend most of my time in the visitors' lounge, unsure and unhelpful. Bill came in late last night. He slept at the Burrow by himself. When he came in this morning he didn't have a ponytail anymore; no one asks. The silence here feels tangible.
We slept at my flat last night, Percy with his shoes on and me feeling selfish for taking mine off. I feel like I haven't spoken to him in days. I wanted to take Ginny home with us, but didn't feel it was my place to ask. I feel large and bulky and awkward everywhere I go. How do you tell someone that you're sorry the newspaper couldn't get their brother's name right? I feel to blame, like I should have thought to tell Percy to visit his brothers, like we would have stopped everything if we had. I think about walking around Diagon Alley at the time and I want to scream. It terrifies me that this could happen there, that these things aren't restricted to graveyards and hidden chambers. These are the more idiotic things that I am thinking about.
I think Arthur is taking on the arrangements by himself. I want to ring Mum, and I feel selfish for that, too.
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