wheresmytoad @ 2003-05-31 09:17:00

Current mood:

thoughtful

Taking a bit of a break from studying
I've decided to give myself the afternoon off today to go see the Ravenclaw Hufflepuff match. I've done nothing but study for the past two weeks, and I think I'm about to start bleeding out of my ears if I don't give it a rest.

I've been swotting all the books Hermione gave me about memory blocks. I've tried a few of the simple diagnostic spells--nothing too technical, really--just to try to find out a little bit more about my block. The one thing that I've really figured out is that it intensifies when I'm afraid. What I mean is, I think that the block is, well, shielding me from knowing about something that happened a long time ago, in my long term memory. But when I get afraid, the block starts affecting my short term memory, too.

Oddly enough, finding this out has made a lot of things suddenly make sense for the first time. And it's been weirdly comforting. I mean, it's not been news to anyone since our third year, when Professor Lupin gave us our lessons about the boggarts, why I've always, well, preferred to stay out of Professor Snape's way. NOW I understand why I've always been such a dunce at potions! It's not that I'm simply stupid. It has more to do with my state of mind. So I've been trying something for the past week: it sounds odd, but I think it's really working. When I do my potions homework, I just try to pretend to myself that Professor Lupin is filling in for Professor Snape, and he's assigned the lesson and will be grading it. Or Professor Sprout. I tried this for the first time last week, and had Hermione check my work over before I turned it in. I had almost a third less errors than I usually do! Amazing.

Strangely enough, Professor Snape has been all but ignoring me in class. I know he has had to give some extra attention to the students studying for their NEWTS, and I think he's also rather preoccupied with his new cat. The extra work he has been assigning me is dreadfully difficult, well beyond what I can do. I've done my best, and pretending to myself that I'm doing it for someone else does help, but some of the parchments I have handed in have been blank in certain spots, because I KNOW what he's asking me for is seventh year material that we just haven't covered yet. He handed one back to me, practically dripping with red ink from all the corrections, but all it said up in the corner was, "I expected better from you, Longbottom." Quite odd, really.

Taking my seat in Potions the last two weeks has almost been like dancing a strange minuet. The first week (when I first came back to potions after walking out of class that one day) I was mostly concerned with sitting behind the other Gryffindors--I wanted Harry or Ron or Hermione or Seamus or ANYBODY between me and the Professor. But, like I said, he's mostly been ignoring me. And once I figured out all that stuff about fear and its effect the block, I deliberately stopped doing that, hoping that if I could, well, just refuse to be afraid, I would do better in class. And I have.

Harry wanted me or Hermione to sit between him and Ron at the beginning of this week. They were perfectly polite to each other, but I'm afraid they were ignoring each other a bit, like they did fourth year when Ron thought Harry had put his own name in the Goblet of Fire. Ron seems to be agreeable with this, but--I finally realised--he didn't like Harry to sit where he could easily catch Malfoy's eye. Hermione seemed to be on the verge of losing her temper with both of them. Then Ron disappeared for a few days. Hope they've worked out their differences, whatever they are, so they can go to the game together.

Am thinking about requesting a private conference with Professor Black. And maybe Professor Lupin, too.

See you all at the game!

Neville

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