potterstinks in nocturne_alley: No subject.

I spent the majority of the evening being manhandled and abused by Pansy and Millicent. First, Millicent stuffed me in a sack. A common sack! As though a Malfoy should be put through such abuse. That sort of thing is meant for house-elves and house-elves alone. Then she threw me over her shoulder and tossed me against walls as though I were a feather. I happen to bruise very easily, and of course Millicent knows this. Then, when she'd dragged me back to their dormitory, which has recently become suspiciously empty, they gagged me with a scone and proceeded to Spellotape me to Pansy's headboard. I daresay that was a tad uncalled for.

Then they stuffed wretched pastries down my throat and left me hanging there. They didn't just Spellotape part of me to the headboard, of course. It was Spellotape. My skin is practically raw. They Spellotaped me from head to toe, so I was hanging over the bed, at least a foot. Then they blew out the candles and went to sleep! This sort of treatment shouldn't be stood for.

Eventually, of course, Pansy woke up and got me down, I suppose out of some vague notion of sympathy, and they stuffed me in bed with them and made me sleep there the whole night. As though I want to share a bed with two people. I had no idea Pansy and Millicent aspired to be Weasleys.

In any case, I've returned to my dormitory and have decided further warfare tactics will not be necessary.

However.

Since Colin Creepy was so generous in using his plebeian capital letters with me, I feel it only right that I give him a proper response. After all, if a boy wants attention so badly he practically dreams of spending a life on his knees in the Gryffindor locker room, surely I can at least do him this favour.

If they made Gryffindors any more pathetic than you, Creepy, I'm afraid the school would likely be quarantined, as they would no doubt think we were all a danger to society after having been exposed to a new household variety of leech. You might ought to consider taking more photos of yourself, since cameras are supposedly so excellent at capturing one's true personality. Perhaps then you could see yourself for the pathetic, insignificant waste of flesh that you are. I hope you didn't think Weasley or Granger actually acknowledge you, since they essentially seem to think you are little more than the new leprosy. They'll have to start islands where people who breathed the same air as you have to go so they don't infect everyone else.

Personally, I pity your brother, having such a wretched figure to serve as an example. I'm quite sure he's embarrassed of it as well. I certainly would have thought about killing myself long ago if I had to be associated with a snivelling, friendless amoeba. I've a feeling your father probably sent you to Hogwarts just so he wouldn't have to live with the shame of having such a disappointing son. Most fathers want their sons to actually have a spine. I've also noticed you've never mentioned your mother. I can only assume that she left you so she wouldn't have to turn to drink just to avoid having to think about the fact that she'd given birth to a child she couldn't love. I assume it's all right for me to break this to you, as you went through the decision of accusing My Mother of not caring about me. At the very least, My Mother exists.

In regards to the entirety of Hogwarts loathing my very existence and cursing my name, perhaps you hadn't noticed, but I hardly enjoy their company. Perhaps you hadn't noticed, but I would sooner pick flowers and hand them to McGonagall before I'd associate with any of you by choice, so it's hardly throwing any salt in my wounds to tell me that people I wish had been wiped out in 1980 dislike me. In any case, I'd certainly rather have them hate me than have them think of me as ringworm as they do you. Do you think they want you taking their photo at every opportunity? I'm certain you'll follow Weasley and Granger into their bedroom later in life just so you can be there to capture the moment of Weasley's premature ejaculation on film. Do you think you're actually friends with any of them? They detest you for liking them. They hate seeing your stupid face in their common room, and everyone knows it. You're the Hogwarts joke, because at least I intend to bother them. You, on the other hand, are honoured just to have any of them look at you. You should hardly be honoured, considering every look anyone throws your way is filled with contempt. Everyone wishes you'd been the one to fall in the lake instead of your brother, as then the Giant Squid would have been happy to push you under.

At least people notice I exist. Aside from when you're clinging to them like a parasite, your existence is completely forgotten. I myself will forget about you after I post this. I'm sure you'll have to cry yourself to sleep, too, since you seem so proud of not being afraid of me. There's no reason for you to be afraid of me, as I certainly don't bother wasting my time on non-entities. However, since you were obviously begging for my attention, I've made an exception just this once. Don't expect acknowledgement of your lonely self to become a common occurrence.

While we're at it, I'd just like to say that I saw your little girlfriend in the courtyard yesterday, and I may have to make an exception to my rules and decide to take her out. She does have such tiny hands, though, that I'm not certain what purpose she could serve. I'm sure you'll never find out. Obviously she doesn't put out, else she wouldn't be stuck with you. I'm certain my influence could help her to get over this awkward stage in her life and put her on the right track to laughing over her foolish days of dating a sap. It's the least I can do to make sure a witch's life isn't ruined after she realises what she's wasted her youth on. Besides, she has such a full mouth. I'm sure it comes from sucking up to the professors, but I imagine it would still be useful.

Oh, and calling me overbearing? Now that's hypocrisy if ever I've heard it. I'm surprised you haven't offered to undo Weasley's trousers for him when he goes to the toilet.

Sleep well, Creepy. I'll be sure to check on your dormitory when I'm on Prefect's Duty to make sure you're comfortable.

colin__creevey @ 2003-04-06 06:35 pm UTC

Ha, Ha, Ha, Malfoy. Nobody listens to you anymore. And you'd never have the guts to come near me while Harry was around--he'd hex you til next Michaelmas. I think we can both agree to act like mature students and call this quits with your paltry attempts at insults.

Oh, and P.S.--leave Soblessa alone!!!! Or Harry really will beat you up and I'll take pictures of him pounding your face and spread them all over Hogwarts!!!!!

Draco Malfoy: I suspect something is awry. Hmm.

potterstinks @ 2003-04-06 07:31 pm UTC

Oh, really? And why don't you remove the thesaurus from your arse before you comment?