potions_master in nocturne_alley @ 2002-05-25 21:09:00

Current mood:	livid
Current music:	Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - Requiem, Rex tremendae

Mr Density in All of His Glory
Sirius Black is a thickheaded pock-faced goat with the personality of a lump of over boiled cabbage. I cannot turn my back without being the object of a prank. I will say one thing for Sir Martyr; he is predictable.

I informed Albus at dinner Thursday evening that I needed to run errands in order to replenish my dwindling supply of dry ingredients. It is my guess that Black, who is my dinner next door neighbour, enacted his nefarious scheme as soon as I took the floo outlet from the staff room. His evil plan? Apparently it was Drive the Slytherin Around the Bend -- a popular childhood game in these parts.

I return to my quarters later that evening only to find doilies everywhere in my sitting room. All of my beloved P.G. Wodehouse and Ayn Rand novels had disappeared. They were replaced by drivel such as those by the likes of V.C. Andrews and Jackie Collins. I also found that my supply of toad heartstrings and trolls' blood was replaced by pots of dried vanilla and rose-scented potpourri!

But the insult of all insults, my bedroom looked as if Celestina Warbeck's hellish demon spawn had regurgitated all over the place. The black and green velvet coverlet that my blind grandmother embroidered by hand was taken and replaced with some pink velour monstrosity. My weathered and comfortable leather sitting chairs were replaced by purple beanbags. I instead of doors, I had hanging bead dividers with a Hawaiian girl pattern.

Everywhere I looked unveiled new unspeakable atrocities. I hurried to look in my wardrobe as I feared what Black may have done to my clothing. All of my robes were gone to be replaced with polyester green leisure suits. And in an inspired gift from hell, he placed a background music charm to loop "Shadow Dancing" and "It's Not Easy Being Green" in what was obviously a jab at Slytherin's house colors.

I believe I may have blacked out from all the trauma. One minute I was about to go charging towards Black's rooms with an impotency curse at hand, and the next minute I awoke face down in pink shag carpeting. It took all of five hours to undo what he did with a not-so-small number of dark arts charms to rid the air of crystalline glitter and little suspended sparkly objects. It took three hours alone to fumigate my rooms so that the odour of sickening-sweet rotting vanilla scented rose leaves would finally disappear. I also had to light matches from four boxes to expedite the process.

But he will pay. And all because I was able to find all the evidence that he is afraid to show and ashamed to admit about his school years here at Hogwarts.

I do not need to point out (well, perhaps I will anyway) that Sirius Black was responsible for the introduction of flared trousers and polyester shirts to Hogwarts. This is a big factor as to why House Slytherin turned so fiercely anti-muggle. I'll never forget Black showing up for Seventh Year with a new Farrah Fawcett inspired hairdo (complete with streaked frosted tips) sporting striped flared trousers and earth shoes. It was definitely a day for the books.

However, I must point out his professional Seventh Year photo that he sent in for the school yearbook.

Yes, that was Sirius Black in a pathetic attempt to emulate his idol, Andy Gibb. Note the obligatory multiple gold chains around his neck and the shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Yes, Sirius Black was attempting to be the Superfly Guy.

Also, for the annual seventh year prank, Walden Macnair was tasked with sneaking into the Gryffindor dorms to loot and pillage anything that would be extremely embarrassing for anyone that resided there. Walden struck gold. These were found in Sir Martyrs trunk at the foot of his bed.

This is what happened with the End of the Year Dance thanks to Mr Gryffindor. It was an outrage. However, there was a silver lining around the dark cloud. While Sirius Black and his feeble cronies were busy doing the "boogie" to such classic masterpieces as "I'm Your Boogie Man" and "Undercover Angel" while getting all those involved to "do the Hustle", a few of us Ravenclaws and Slytherins snuck out to London to have one of the best times to be had on 7 June, 1977.

Yes, we went to see the Sex Pistols play their infamous gig on the Queen Elizabeth while sailing down the Thames. There were only about 200 people in attendance. Mr Rotten started off with a rousing rendition of "Anarchy in the UK" and chaos ensued. One of the best moments in my recollection was being pulled over and boarded by London Police just when Mr Rotten and company launched into their version of the Stooges' "No Fun". Violence and more chaos ensued.

Sirius Black and all back at Hogwarts were having "wild times" while listening to Fleetwood Mac. We were being beaten up by the muggle police. I do not think there is a comparison which was infinitely better.

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