blondenarcissa in nocturne_alley @ 2004-06-24 21:28:00

Current mood:

crushed

It seems like forever and a day that the owl came and at the same time it seems as though I just found out a moment ago. My Lucius is dead. My Lucius is dead and my son is without a father and I am a widow. It feels so very strange to type those words. There is a tightness in my throat that is unfamiliar and it aches but not nearly as much as my heart aches. It aches not so much as for me but for my Draco and my Lucius.

Lucius and I had a number of disagreements the past few years. At times we would take to having a holiday from one another so that we could concentrate on our own needs as individuals in order to be better for us when Fate would decree that it was time for us to come together again. At times when we would have these holidays, I would miss him terribly and often curse his name for making me so very much. And it would be all right that I would curse his name because I knew that, in the end, we would come together again and be stronger together.

This will not be the case any longer. I will miss him terribly and curse his name but we will never come together again and I fear I will weaken terribly. I already am. I can feel it in my very bones.

But right now I cannot afford to be weak. I have a son for whom I must be strong. He needs me now more than he ever did and I hope to Merlin that I will be what he needs, that I will be enough.

I arrived here at Hogwarts earlier to identify Lucius' body. Apparently, from what the Ministry representative told me, Draco had requested to see him but he was denied that. I am glad that he was, as I wanted to be the one to first see Lucius and make sure that his-- to make sure that he was somewhat presentable and would not upset Draco further than he already is.

When I found Draco, he was seated next to Miss Bulstrode in the hospital wing, looking over poor Pansy Parkinson's body. I almost did not want to disturb him but I must say that I am glad that I did. I have never in my life needed to feel my son's arms around me more than I did just then. I think he felt the same about me. We did not speak for the longest time but rather just let our emotions be. I think I ruined his shirt and he mine but I do not care. We can always have new shirts. We can never have our family again.

I took him in to see Lucius later. I hope I didn't hurt him; I was holding his hand so very tight. I only let go when he indicated that he wanted to get closer to his father. He reached out and pressed a finger against Lucius' cheek and I cannot recall much after that as I began to cry once more.

Hilda offered me a place in her quarters for the evening and I am grateful for her thoughtfulness. I do not wish to be away from Draco, not now. I believe Hilda may be staying with Professor Wiglorn tonight; I am not sure. She gave me use of her quarters and Draco will stay here with me tonight.

Tonight, I just want to hold my little boy until he falls asleep.

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