potterstinks: No subject.

If it weren't bad enough that My Mother is a very delicate woman who can't handle much stress, she's spent the past few days in a plethora of horrific places, a Muggle pub being amongst them. And now! Now she's staying with Black and Lupin, never mind that I'm at Hogwarts suffering by myself, and best of all, Potter is spending the holidays with My Mother. I haven't even seen My Mother since Christmas, unless you count the two seconds I saw her last Saturday before My Father decided it was time for them to return to the Manor. This could result in psychological scarring and years of therapy for me.

I spent the entirety of Thursday evening attempting to hunt for a rabid book-thief, along with Potter and two golf clubs. Apparently Potter has no qualms dragging others into his dirty work. I still have no idea who stole Potter's golf book, other than that it was retrieved and there was a very peculiar high-pitched voice shouting about birdies and putters and sand traps, and eventually I fell through a hole in the floor whereupon I found myself in a tiny room that contained only a cot, a saw and a computer. I suspect the house-elves, as we all know they've been stalking me. Besides, who else has such a high-pitched voice?

In any case, I've discovered that golf is the most ludicrous game in the world. I hardly see the need to invent a language just to hit spotted balls with sticks. For instance:

let the big dog eat - use the driver (the big dog). To 'swing away' with the driver. Example: 'The next hole is a long par five but it is wide open so you can let the big dog eat.'

Is that actually necessary? And is it necessary to do so wearing plaid trousers?

Oscar Brown - (aka: 'O.B', 'out of bounds', 'ob') another phrase for out of bounds. Example: 'Man did you slice that one! That baby is Oscar Brown, my friend.'

Here my main concern is whether it is obligatory to refer to all golfers as 'my friend.' They are not my friends. This is like Cockney for five-year-olds who are too nonconformist to actually use the phrase 'out of bounds.'

poa annua - (aka: 'poa') grass (actually a weed) that sometimes grows on golf courses in moist climates and can make putting greens bumpy if mixed with other grass.

Yes, because 'troublesome grass' was just too novel a term.

rub of the green - an accident, not caused by the player or caddie, for which there is no relief under the rules. Generally associated with a bad break and often having nothing to do with the Green. Example: 'Though the ball hitting the cart path and bouncing out of bounds is unfortunate it's the rub of the green ('too bad' or 'fact of life').'

This is only one more piece of evidence to show how infuriatingly stupid Muggles are. They have to invent new ways to say 'too bad' to make themselves feel interesting and negate the fact that there are grown men out there who enjoy putting pom-poms on their berets and wearing pink socks. This is something that should be stopped. They're an embarrassment to all of mankind.

I do feel sorry for the riff-raff who've completely alienated themselves from the entire school and now have to resort to being jealous of people they were likely rightly jealous of well before that. Oh, wait a moment, I don't care about being cryptic to hide identities. Weasley, I'd just like to wish you a happy Easter.

I'd also like to say that Potter whacked himself in the forehead with what I have learnt is the 'flange' of a golf club, which is apparently the required word to use when referring to the fat part at the bottom, and now has a hideous bruise. I've also learnt that Potter can rightly be called my caddy, which I think is a good term. In fact, a caddy rather sounds like a house-elf, now that I think about it. However, the fact remains that golf is a stupid game and gives me one more reason to be glad I'm not a Muggle.

Narcissa Malfoy: I am an aloof unavailable ice queen.

blondenarcissa @ 2003-04-19 09:25 pm UTC

Dearest,

I can assure you that Dogear Wryde is not a 'horrific' place. Granted, that awful Muggle pub was but I shan't wish to dwell on it. I wish I could spend the hols with you but I doubt I would be allowed to stay at Hogwarts and I cannot impose on Profs. Lupin and Black any more than I already have. If you want, we can meet not only tomorrow but every day of your holiday. Whatever would make you happy, dear, just say the word and it is yours.

Love,
Mother

potterstinks @ 2003-04-19 10:06 pm UTC

Mother,

I assure you that I'd rather spend my holidays at Hogwarts. However, I hardly see how it's fair that Potter is spending Easter with you while I'm virtually abandoned. Can't you just stay in completely opposite ends of the house?