Fred Dibnah's Train To Hell!

"Hello there! I'm The Late Fred Dibnah - everyone's favourite stonework, chimney and steam enthusiast from Lancashire! What? No, I wasn't on How 2. That's someone else. No I can't get you Carol Vorderman's autograph! Now shut up I'm here for a reason!"



"The reason? Well, since I died, everyone's been pestering me for a new series. 'You've got plenty of free time now, Fred Dibnah!' they scream at me. 'When are we going to see a follow-up to Fred Dibnah's Industrial Age, Fred Dibnah's Magnificent Monuments or Fred Dibnah's Age of Steam? Well guess what!!! I'm here to present my new series - Fred Dibnah's Train To Hell! Featuring me riding my trusty steam train, Daisy, into the very mouth of hell itself - and beyond! Welcome, friends - to Fred Dibnah's Train To Hell!"

"Now follow me into the hellmouth. Where will I end up? Who knows!"

"People say the steam engines which I love... I love them with all my heart... oh God I really really love them, you couldn't possibly understand - were dinosaurs. And look who I get to meet first on my journey! A massive fucking dinosaur! I wonder if he's powered by steam, eh viewers? No, expect he's powered by pure fury and cold-blooded killing instinct. A bit like my wife! Oops - looks like he's seen me. I'd better continue my journey - through hell!"



"Oh, bugger! Looks like my local pub's taking steps to reduce the mugging and raping that's been on the increase recently - but banning me from my favourite drinking establishment because I choose to wear a hat? Ooh, the modern world stinks! Being a proper northern gent, I like nothing more than a good hearty pint of bitter. In fact I always carry at least one with me! But this one's getting a bit cold now, and I really needed a new one to quench my thirst. I tend to work up a thirst, you see, while I'm travelling. Especially when travelling through hell! Follow me, friends, to find a pub which doesn't find my choice of headwear offensive!"



"I hate hell. HATE it! The worst possible thing has happened - I've spilt my pint!"