Hollywood Remakes

Withnail & I

Hollywood executives have announced that there will be a remake of the classic movie Withnail & I. The original is revered as a classic by many, who will be awaiting the release of this new version with much trepidation, bordering on despair.

The film is to be directed by acclaimed director Uwe Boll, who admits that he just 'didn't get' the sense of humour in the original version. "What I am about," the director (famous for such films as House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark and the recently announced Far Cry) explained, "is to reimagine the film with more action. Maybe add some more immediately accessible comedy characters, and use a narrator to keep the story ticking along, as well as providing wise-cracks. You know the bit with the bull, in the field? Well, maybe they could have a slapstick, Benny Hill-style chase around the field, and then when they escape from the field, the narrator can say 'What a load of bull!'. Hey - that's good! I'm going to use that!"

Eager to placate fans of the classic film, Boll insists that the new version will stay true to the spirit of the original. "They will still be actors, of course. I don't think you could really get away with producing this film where, say, they were farmers, or skydivers, you know! Yes, they will be actors. Famous movie actors. But the film will now be set in New York! And instead of going on holiday to the country, they will be sent on a film assignment to Mexico! With the bandits and the tequila, that will make for a great movie!" Boll continues. "The original was so slow moving, I found. I've tried to watch it three times now, and I fell asleep every time! Ha - maybe I'm not the best person to be remaking it! No, no, I joke. Of course I am best."

Starring Matt Le Blanc as Withnail, Helen Baxendale as 'I' (also the love interest), and Will Ferrell as Uncle Matty (renamed for the American market, and now a slightly campy American Football coach), look out for Withnail & I's triumphant return to the screen in the second quarter of 2006!

Guy Ritchie's 'Superman'

Exciting news surfaced in Hollywood today! It has been revealed that acclaimed director Guy Ritchie is planning to bring us a 'modernised, definitive' version of the much-loved classic, Superman. In an exclusive first-peek interview, we bring you the news that matters!

Ritchie filled us in on his vision for the film. "It's basically a film about escapism, yeah? So you've got this really strong guy who can fly. Great! That's a really good place to start when planning a movie. Obviously, modern audiences don't go for these pure 'superhero' movies. There's hardly any being made any more! What the public wants is cool gangsters in sharp suits. So, I've taken this guy, Superman, and turned him into a sharp-suited, cool-looking gangster."

This sounds like a radical departure for the Superman franchise, so we questioned Ritchie about his motives. "The whole 'flying' thing - it's just a metaphor, yeah? I've changed it so that instead of putting on those stupid, outdated tights and flying, he puts on an even sharper suit, takes a load of drugs - in a sequence with really trippy camera angles and that - and goes and shoots his enemies! He doesn't even have to be a 'good' guy any more! In today's society, things just aren't as black and white as that."

The film, which is to be set in New York, will star Jason Statham as Superman, and Dexter Fletcher as his arch-enemy, rival gangster Lex 'Chainsaw' Luthor. "He carries a chainsaw round in a violin case! It makes a good photo for the posters, see?" It will, hopefully, never be released.

The Green Mile

Adam Sandler today announced the film that could mark the pinnacle of his career - a remake of Stephen King's The Green Mile. Sandler intends to direct and star in the project, taking on the role of John Coffey. Although the Tom Hanks-starring version was produced relatively recently, Sandler feels that his version will provide a worthwhile alternative.

"Y'know, so far in my career I've stuck with the kind of 'dumb, all-American guy with a heart of gold' routine in every movie, so I thought - why change a winning formula! My version's gonna be aimed more at kids, really. Instead of being set on Death Row, my remake is set in a minimum security prison - it means the end of the movie isn't going to be so depressing! We can maybe even slip a song and dance routine in there!"

Instead of the "downer" storyline in which the character of John Coffey has been wrongfully imprisoned for murdering and raping two young girls, Sandler's version of Coffey will be in jail "to observe the interaction between the prisoners and the guards. He's a psychiatrist who specialises in relationships and social hierarchies - but, of course, his own relationship is on the rocks!" Sandler's dopey shitheaded character, of course, learns important lessons from the prisoners, and manages to save his relationship.

"The really cool thing about this movie is the little mouse that John Coffee finds. In our version, he's a computer generated animation voiced by Michael J. Fox. He actually has a lot of screen time!" So much so, in fact, that the film has been renamed Stuart Little 3. Lunchboxes starring the mouse will be on sale from tomorrow.