Scotty Off Star Wars

Scotty, the science-fiction community's most popular Welshman, sadly passed away several months ago. He was probably best known as the character 'Scotty' in the children's TV program 'Star Wars', a spin-off series from the hugely popular 'Scotty's Diner'. His catchphrases were adopted and repeated by children in playgrounds across the land: "She can't take much more of this, captain!" and "She's taking far too much abuse! I don't know if she'll survive this!" being the favourites. Unfortunately, these catchphrases mirrored Scotty's personal life, away from the cameras, where he was renowned for beating and sexually abusing a string of lovers and wives.

Scotty, shortly after he was arrested by Munich policemen for punching his mistress, Ivana Trump, in a restaurant

Although Scotty was mostly recognised for his work in 'Star Wars', his acting career actually blasted off when he was in his early teens. He played the pre-pubescent love interest for Ian Mcshane in several controversial episodes of Lovejoy; however, the episodes were never actually shown. Bitter and resentful that, in his eyes, his big break had been ruined before he had a chance to shine, he accepted a job as a night-shift security guard at B&Q in Cardiff, his home town.

Scotty aged 14, looking forward to his first day at B&Q.

Scotty used the long, lonely hours to work on the script for the pilot episode of 'Scotty's Diner', his space-based sitcom, and stole several thousands of pounds' worth of stock from the DIY warehouse. He used the timber and electrical fittings to build himself a small TV studio at the far end of the B&Q car park, which is where every episode of 'Scotty's Diner' and 'Star Wars' were filmed. His B&Q employers never noticed or complained - in fact he's still officially employed as security guard, and his wages are paid directly into his widows' bank account.

Scotty's widow. She said, of her deceased spouse: "Finally I'm free! He was a complete monster. Maybe one day these scars and bruises will fade, and I can love again."

Despite his violent private life, Scotty was a much-loved character, and in-demand in his capacity as an after-dinner speaker. His Welsh lilting tones had the power to captivate and enrapture any audience - although his material was usually racist, sexist and incredibly offensive. After 'Star Wars' was cancelled, he embarked on a short career as a stand-up comedian, and is celebrated as the inventor of the 'My mother in law is so fat...' routine, as well as the famous 'Aristocrats' joke.

Scotty, just after he passed away.

So, finally we say 'May the force be with you!' to Scotty as he blasts off into heaven!