potterstinks @ 2002-12-09 22:42:00

Current mood:enraged

MY DETENTION FROM HELL

BY DRACO MALFOY, WHO IS STILL PREFECT, BY THE WAY, WHICH ONLY MAKES THIS A FURTHER OUTRAGE.


Yesterday, at the horrifically inconvenient hour of 0700 hours, I was awoken by one Professor Snape, who spared me no consideration and was evidently compelled to allow sunshine into the dormitory, since he threw the drapes open--the drapes which conveniently open to reveal a window that is right across from my bed.

He didn't even allow me to dress, so naturally I assumed that, perhaps, my detention was a form of public humiliation in the shape of my being paraded about Hogwarts in my pyjamas. But no, no. Not quite that simple for me. Of course, since Professor Snape is my Head of House, and I am a Prefect (not to mention, a Malfoy as well), one would think that my "punishment" would not be so severe.

But of course! Naturally, I should receive the most dire punishment of all! After all, what was I thinking, being late to Quidditch practice?

Oh wait, that wasn't me. It was POTTER.

As Professor Snape dragged me from the dungeons and into the castle, he informed me that . . .

My detention was to be . . .

Filling the position of a house-elf for a day.

. . .

Perhaps I hadn't mentioned it, oh, say, four hundred times before, but the house-elves in this castle are stalking me. There are "menacing" messages written in the steam of the bathroom mirror when I've finished bathing. I have received notes in my food. Someone has let out the hem from my best pair of trousers stitch by stitch. Who in this bloody castle has a seam-ripper? The house-elves!

Not only is this the sort of punishment that is HARDLY befitting a Malfoy, it is dangerous, cruel, and unjust as well. Perhaps for Potter's detention he ought to be dealt a day of chores with the Dark Lord! And we can assign Longbottom a day of walking in a straight line, since we're speaking of endangering students.

Professor Snape dropped me off at the kitchens. It was horrid enough being in the kitchens, as surely only the poorest of impoverished wizards would ever spend a day in the kitchens of Hogwarts voluntarily. And then I stepped inside and realised that every other creature in the room only came up to my knee. I was surrounded by house-elves.

Naturally, I thought the best thing to do would be to head in the safest and furthest direction from the kitchens, but evidently, the house-elves had either been warned not to let me go or were keeping me there out of sadistic pleasure, because one of them used elf magic on me and practically knocked me out in the process.

Then, one of them handed me a SODDING PILLOWCASE, as if it expected me to wear it. Of course, I threw it into the fire, which sent one of them into tears.

Father's old elf, Doddy, has apparently acquired a job at Hogwarts. At least I think it was him; it was hard to tell under the TEA COSY IT WAS WEARING. Lord, if you're going to be an elf, the least you can do is dress with fashionable conscience so the rest of us don't have to suffer by looking at you. And then it called me a "bad, bad wizard."

What a perfectly rational punishment to suffer for Potter being late to Quidditch practice. A day of being insulted by ELVES.

So, I may have ended up in a bit of a scuffle with the elf, and then the rest of them started crying, so breakfast ended up being late for the rest of the school. That, of course, was the only good part of the morning.

Dumbledore came down to the kitchen to see what was going on, and then the old coot suggested that I "look at this as eye-opening" and that it was not healthy to live life "blind", or some rot along those lines. He stood there and condoned cruel punishment with a bloody twinkle in his eye and offered me a scone. A scone.

Of course, Father has always said that Hogwarts wouldn't be in such horrid condition if it weren't for the fact that Dumbledore is the headmaster, and this positively confirms it.

So I was ordered, by an elf (who, oddly, had the . . . decency to cry while doing so) to let them take care of breakfast and start turning down the beds. The beds! Yes, that's right, the beds. The beds of Hogwarts. In Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor Towers.

Two of the house-elves accompanied me, and despite my argument that clearly Slytherin was the House to attend to first, they informed me that Slytherin was always put last because the Slytherins - then they didn't finish the sentence, because apparently they realised that I was the Slytherin Prefect. Fortunately, I had the pleasure of seeing one bang its head on the wall while the other grabbed a torch from the wall and burnt its ears. If I were to have to list the one good quality about house-elves, it would be that they are quite proficient in their self-punishment.

As we were passing the Great Hall, I noticed Father's tea cosy adorned house-elf going inside with all the air of the Minister of Sodding Magic, where, it seems, the elf had breakfast like a wizard for the morning. How touching that an elf was given a day of luxury at my expense.

Upon arrival at Gryffindor Tower, I did manage to borrow a set of robes from Weasley, so I wouldn't catch my death of cold in my pyjamas. Naturally, they were quite worn through and I was practically swimming in them, but I certainly couldn't be expected to borrow them from anyone who isn't a Pureblood, and Longbottom is fat.

In any case, since everyone was at breakfast, the hours I spent slaving over changing their sheets were relatively quiet. Let me tell you now, Hogwarts, I have learned a few more things about some of you then I cared to know. And yes, I did change all of your sheets.

That includes you, you, you, and you, in case any of you were wondering if you'd escaped my notice. Malfoys have always had an impeccable eye for detail.

Then, I had to stoke the fires, not only in the House Towers, but in the classrooms as well.

Then, I had to help them sodding prepare lunch.

Then, I had to take lunch up to Dumbledore, by hand, since apparently, the headmaster has his lunch served to him, unlike the rest of us.

Then, it was back to the House Towers, to gather laundry and POLISH SODDING SHOES.

However, I did learn a few interesting things.

Boot owns nearly as many pairs of shoes as My Mother.

Bones sleeps with a stuffed unicorn. Ha ha ha.

Granger is, in fact, the most boring person on earth.

Pansy does not dress nearly in as much variety as her wardrobe boasts. Of course, most of her clothing doesn't appear to be suitable for the common Hogwarts variety.

Zabini does not exist.

Weasley, as expected, has shoes riddled with holes and is evidently too stupid to know how to fix them with magic.

Finnigan, for being so out and open about his "alternate lifestyle", has desperately boring blackmail material.

Creevey owns a copy of every Prophet article Potter has ever been featured in. Need I say more?

Macmillan has extremely mediocre locks on his trunk. He also owns an absurd amount of bright orange Muggle things.

The Weaselette is still hiding the same secrets she was hiding during the Lantern Festival.

Finch-Fletchley actually owns "Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them". Evidently, he thinks he can find them on the girl who sleeps with a unicorn.

And, finally, Potter owns a ludicrous amount of clothing suitable for someone roughly six times his size. Of course, I have been informed that they belong to his cousin, which just goes to show a shining example of Dumbledore's outstanding intelligence for sending Potter to live with obesity.

Of course, by the time I'd started polishing the Gryffindors' shoes (as though any amount of polishing would make them look anything less than hand-me-down), the Weasel, Potter, and Granger came traipsing along, just in time for Weasley to get his rocks off by walking over all the shoes I'd already polished.

Potter, on the other hand, seems to be aware that he will, indeed, pay for this, so he was quite quiet. Obviously, he was afraid of me. Good.

After preparing dinner for the scourges of Hogwarts, I was finally allowed to return to Slytherin Tower, sore and blistered from a day of living as a house-elf. Father, Mother, if you are reading this, let it be known that not a single professor did anything to halt this cruel and unusual punishment. I have suffered endless physical torment due to the overwhelming amount of labour, all because another student was late to Quidditch practice. Surely a Malfoy should not be treated in this fashion!

Comments:

susanbones @ 2002-12-10 12:07 am UTC
:(

whats wrong with sleeping with a stuffed unicorn malfoy? why do you make fun of everyone, didnt your parents tell you if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all?

your not friend,
susan bones

potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 12:19 am UTC

Where do I even begin?

Nah. Too easy.

(parent)
sinistra @ 2002-12-10 12:30 am UTC

What an intriguing read, Mr Malfoy. Take six points to Slytherin for the laughter at your expense I've enjoyed.

On the other hand, three points from Slytherin for reminding me of Mr Finch-Fletchley's breeding habits.

potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 12:41 am UTC

Professor Sinistra, I hope you know that I have always found you to be one of the more compassionate professors here at Hogwarts.

Draco Malfoy

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sinistra @ 2002-12-10 12:48 am UTC

Mr Malfoy, I hope you know that I am excellent at deducing just how full of it a student is.

Sinistra

(parent)
potions_master @ 2002-12-10 12:55 am UTC

Now now, Sylvia. Play nice.

(parent)
sinistra @ 2002-12-10 12:57 am UTC

Me? Why, Sevvie, you know I am one of the most compassionate professors at Hogwarts.

(parent)
potions_master @ 2002-12-10 01:00 am UTC

Compassionate? Is that what they're calling it these days? I must get out more. No matter. What has it been, about five hours since we last spoke? Care to join me in my rounds?

(parent)
sinistra @ 2002-12-10 01:03 am UTC

Certainly, Severus. My flask or yours?

(parent)
potions_master @ 2002-12-10 01:04 am UTC

You are, as always, more than welcome to partake of my flask, Sylvia.

(parent)
blushcrush @ 2002-12-10 02:21 am UTC

No, I'm not.

knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 03:35 am UTC

Don't pay any attention to him, Gin, he's just an elf.

By the way, Malfoy, you bloody liar, you DID NOT BORROW robes from me, you BLOODY STOLE THEM but it's okay, you polished my shoes, all is good. Never thought I'd say this but Snape made my day, I don't even know where to begin laughing!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SLAVE!

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:13 am UTC

Oh, by the way, Weasel, I forgot to mention. Extra special for your shoes, I polished them with spit, inside and out.

(parent)
knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 10:14 am UTC
Re:

Yeah right, like I'd believe that!

Did you reall- no, you couldn't have, shut up, you rat!

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:31 am UTC

Oh, couldn't I?

(parent)
knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 10:35 am UTC
Re:

No, you couldn't, you were never alone during detention and SHUT UP!

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:37 am UTC

The elves were quite busy doing their own things, Weasel. Did you think they'd stopped working just to watch me? Of course not, they love doing work.

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knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 10:44 am UTC
Re:

SHUT UP! You're just saying that to burn my shoes together with the robes you STOLE from me, I know your game, Malfoy! Just shut the hell up!

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:49 am UTC

Why would I want you to burn your shoes? As though I really want to see you walking around Hogwarts in your stocking feet. The castle would have to be fumigated.

(parent)
knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 10:53 am UTC
Re:

The same bloody reason you got me to burn my robes! Like you need a reason to be a flaming pest anyway!

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 11:00 am UTC

I didn't "get you" to burn your robes. You did that all on your own. I merely borrowed them. I just thought you'd like to know a bit more about the shoes you're wearing right now.

(parent)
knight_to_h3 @ 2002-12-10 11:12 am UTC
Re:

What, you expect me to wear the robes after your flea-invested self has been in it? Who knows what disease I'd get from that! Harry says you're just being an ass, THERE'S NOTHING BLOODY WRONG WITH MY SHOES.

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 11:47 am UTC

Oh, well, if Potter says, by all means.

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 03:37 am UTC

Poor Little Draco chipped his nails again, hmm?

M. B.

potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:11 am UTC

Yes, on your crusty, unwashed socks.

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 10:15 am UTC
Re:

I left them stewing for weeks just for you.

M. B.

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:35 am UTC

That's funny, considering Professor Snape only revealed what The Detention From Hell was on Sunday.

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petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 10:40 am UTC
Re:

I saw it in my pumpkin juice pulp a month ago.

M. B.

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:41 am UTC

You drink the pulp?

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petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 10:42 am UTC
Re:

It is food.

M. B.

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potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:48 am UTC

Headlice is food to some, too, Millicent.

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 10:52 am UTC
Re:

It is just pulp.

There was no need to compare it to headlice.

Some fibre would do you good.

M. B.

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potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 11:02 am UTC

You know, I think you and Granger's cats would really hit it off.

(parent)
petitemillicent @ 2002-12-10 11:04 am UTC
Re:

As would you and Longbottom's toad.

M. B.

(parent)
seamus_f @ 2002-12-10 04:53 am UTC

Finnigan is not idiot enough to leave incriminating material sitting around in a dorm room. Just because I don't have as much to hide anymore, doesn't mean I don't know how to hide things.

In fact, it's a great deal easier, now that the big secret is out. You might want to think about that, Malfoy.

potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 10:11 am UTC

Isn't it interesting, Finnigan, that you would start bragging about the fact that you own embarrassing things that I didn't find? One would think you'd be satisfied enough to know that you weren't going to be humiliated.

(parent)
seamus_f @ 2002-12-10 12:28 pm UTC

Isn't it interesting, Malfoy, that you would assume I would be embarrassed by anything you did find? The dorms are hardly private places. I own nothing would embarrass me were they revealed, be it drawings from my boyfriend or notes from my mother.

That's the thing, Malfoy, about not having big secrets. You don't need to keep looking over your shoulder or covering your tracks. You might want to try it sometime.

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-11 08:47 am UTC

Just what is that supposed to mean? I'm not the one boasting about how I don't leave incriminating things in the dormitory for everyone to find. Sounds to me like you're the one covering tracks.

(parent)
seamus_f @ 2002-12-12 12:53 pm UTC

You deliberately misunderstand me, Malfoy. I haven't any tracks to cover, because I am no longer keeping a big secret. You seem so surprised by this, one can only reach the conclusion that it is you that is desperately hiding something. What that is, I would not attempt to guess, nor am I particularly interested. But it takes up a lot of time and energy, doesn't it?

(parent)
potterstinks @ 2002-12-13 12:04 pm UTC

You said, and I quote, "Finnigan is not idiot enough to leave incriminating material sitting around in a dorm room." Which would imply, Finnigan, that you leave them elsewhere. You're the one talking about how clever you are for not leaving incriminating material in a dormitory. I just find it interesting that on one hand, you would boast of having nothing to hide, and on the other, you would boast of hiding it where it couldn't be found, even by your precious boyfriend that happens to live in your dormitory. Hiding things from him, too, then?

(parent)
blondenarcissa @ 2002-12-10 12:30 pm UTC

My darling son:

I cannot even BEGIN to express to you how distraught I have grown upon reading of your 'detention.' Once I collect myself properly I shall have a discussion with your father reguarding this.

I have sent along a few of those bananas I know you adore as well as a new pair of seeker gloves to ease your pain. If there is anything else I can do to make you feel better, please let me know, won't you, Darling?

Love,
Mother

potterstinks @ 2002-12-10 01:28 pm UTC

Mother,

I shall await the arrival of your gifts in the post tomorrow morning. Of course, material possessions will only partially help to ease my pain, but I will do my best to recover.

Your son,
Draco

(parent)
purestblood @ 2002-12-11 10:44 pm UTC

Absolutely unacceptable. Words cannot convey my anger and distress. I send my son off to be educated and he is, through no fault of his own, made to behave like a common house-elf. This cannot be allowed. I won't stand for it. Rest assured that Dumbledore and the Board of Governors will hear about this. Snape himself has gone quite mad, punishing everyone for the misdeeds of a scrawny boy with too much hair and a predilection for meddling in affairs that have nothing to do with him.

This will not stand, I assure you, Draco. You will be hearing something shortly from me on the matter. I expect action, and will see that it is taken. A Malfoy must defend his honor, my son, and I am most proud of you for doing so.

I was in Italy a few days ago, visiting our villa in Tuscany, and picked up a lovely dragonhide jacket for you. It's charmed to be warm, and the Slytherin green color will look good on you. I hope it helps ease your distress.

Your father

potterstinks @ 2002-12-13 12:02 pm UTC

Father,

Of course, I knew you would be infuriated over this. McGonagall is even saying now that I should be relieved of my duties as Prefect. After being forced to spend time amongst the creatures who stalk me, she still feels I have not been punished enough for dressing in costume for Hallowe'en. Honestly, as though no one has ever done such a thing before. You would think that professors would not be so adamant to squash creativity, but then, I suppose when you are Head of Gryffindor, the House of a complete lack of imagination, you wouldn't want your House to look bad in comparison.

I must away, Father, as I am feeling quite weak from having to change the linens of Mudbloods.

Your mistreated heir,
Draco

(parent)