Peter Benchley

Peter Benchley, the inventor of sharks, has died aged 65. He led a full and often terrifying life, which he terrifyingly lived to the full. Until today, when he died. Although he invented the shark (and went on to name one of his most famous creations, James Bond's metal-toothed enemy 'Jaws', after his pet shark 'Sharky'), he was not afraid of the cold-blooded man-eating sea creatures, telling close friends that he had "never been hurt by a sea creature, except for jellyfish and sea urchins".

The sea urchins he spoke of were a gang of immature sea urchins who approached him on the street in February 1987, offering to shine his shoes. When he refused, they forced him down a dark alley and "roughed him up something rotten", as the official police report put it. The jellyfish, on the other hand, tended to hurt him by stinging his cock when he repeatedly tried to initiate sexual relations with them. Jellyfish, as Benchley himself said, were "fascinating, sexy, yet unattainable". Despite this, he kept trying to 'attain' them, resulting in his penis swelling up to the size of a portakabin, and eventually having to be removed.

Peter Benchley loved roller coasters. Here he is, strapped in and ready to go for a ride on Nemesis at his 'second home', Alton Towers.

After inventing the shark, Peter Benchley tried repeatedly to better his invention - including one remarkable failure (Shark 3) in which he attempted to push his creation "into the next dimension". It was around this time that a man who he had previously considered to be a great personal friend, Steven Spielberg, betrayed him and stole his creation to use as the star of his film, 'SharkMouth'. Said Benchley of this betrayal: "What a twat. Nobody had heard of sharks before I invented them. Total prick. Christ! What a twat!"

"Gnash! Gnash!"

Benchley used to enjoy sitting round in boats, comparing scars with other masculine macho men. However, the only scars he had were on his penis, which he carried round with him in a massive jar. Getting his penis out lost him a great deal of friends, and he eventually grew so depressed that he smashed the penis jar on some rocks from the side of his boat - the splinters of glass impaled several jellyfish, opening up wounds which his detached penis sensually slid in and out of. Finally he'd had his wicked way with the object of his affections, and could die happy!

Peter Benchley was eaten by a shark today. He died.